Improving Your Self-Esteem

Dear Ms Anonymous,

Is your mask feeling slightly off balance after last week’s Unmasking Your Self-Confidence post? Are you ready to feel a little more assured in your self-esteem?

Why do we suffer from low self-esteem?

Last week I wrote about the self-limiting beliefs that need to be challenged and changed in order to achieve self-confidence. The same is true for self-esteem. Remember, the concept starts with “self” for a reason. It is up to us to change the narrative.

Self-esteem is appreciating our accomplishments, skills and qualities. With a high self-esteem we feel that we have the power to do anything we want! The problem for women is that starting before the age of 13, our self-esteem drops. That’s why Dove created their Self-Esteem project to teach girls to build their self-confidence in order to reach their potential!

But, how is it that in 13 years we go from having a vivid imagination that makes us feel like we can do anything, to feeling like we can’t do anything right?

The messaging that we receive in, and from, the world makes such a big impact on us. Society tells us women that we’re being “too loud” or “too much.” From the time we learn to talk as toddlers we are called “bossy.” We are told to be polite, and nice, and “a good girl” throughout grade school. On the playground we are teased because we “run like a girl.”

Are you hearing all the negativity in those statements? That is what we are filling the heads of our girls with from a young age! We need to instead fill them up with positivity!!

They should be reminded that they are strong, and capable! We should empower their leadership skills, because they can someday run multi-million dollar corporations. And we should cheer them on from the sidelines because running like a girl means they have strength and endurance to finish the race!

Changing the narrative

Somehow we survived the preteen and teenage years despite our low self-esteem. As we grew up and matured, we have learned a great many skills, and have some accomplishments under our belt to be proud of.

And then we have our first failure. All of the sudden our self-esteem drops a million notches, back to the prepubescent level we experienced decades before.

Last week I gave you a model for changing your narrative. It can be used in positively developing all aspects of our self-concept. Let’s try it here with self-esteem. It starts with a thought…

1. I’ll never achieve X. (identify the self-limiting belief)
2. I can learn new skills; or make a list of past accomplishments as proof that I can achieve X. (challenge the self-limiting belief)
3. If I work hard, I can achieve X, and so much more. (change/rewrite the narrative)

Use this model on yourself, and if you have a daughter, try it with her too. Once that limiting thought creeps into your head, kill it with the truth. That’s how you’ll change your narrative!

Appreciating you

The toughest thing about self-esteem is that while you are the only one who can build it up, others can tear it down. With social media just a click away, so is your next depreciating thought. As soon as you open up your app, there’s another perfectly filtered picture on your Instagram feed. No wonder we suffer from body image issues!

Have you ever thought about going on a social media fast? I have.

You see, I suffer from envy and comparison. You would probably be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn’t. The grass is always greener. Someone has a bigger house, a better career, a faster car, a slimmer body, that awesome life, that I don’t have. And I had to learn that that’s okay!!

I don’t need all of those things. I have what is unique to me! And that’s what I should be celebrating.

You have what’s unique to you – so start appreciating that! That’s how you build self-esteem!

Closing the self-esteem gap

We all have our past experiences and accomplishments to build on. And your future is yours to craft! If you have a goal that you need new skills to achieve – figure out how to get those skills! If your goal is to eat healthier foods so that you feel good about your body, then learn how to meal prep! There’s always a solution, you just have to look for it.

Building self-esteem is about closing the gap. The gap between where you are now, and where you want to be. Start with identifying your limiting beliefs, challenge them, and then change your narrative.

Growing out of your comfort zone

You know what they say about comfort zones… nothing grows there! We can’t hope to improve our self-esteem, but stay stuck in exactly the same things we are doing and experiencing. Of course, our primal brains want us to stay comfortable, because we fear the unknown. But what would happen if you tried something new?

The options are that you would either fail, or you would succeed. And wouldn’t you rather be the one who tried and failed, than never even tried? After all, that’s the worst that could happen.

What’s the best that could happen? Success!! For it is by succeeding at things that our confidence in our abilities starts to grow. And even if you don’t succeed, you are still learning!

When we try something new, we often have to figure out different ways of doing it, in order to achieve the best outcome. That means you have to step outside of what is comfortable (what you already know how to do), and into the unknown (to learn something you don’t). I would say that the risk is worth it. You never know what the outcome will be until you give it a shot.

If you use the model above, you can see failure as an opportunity to improve your self-esteem. You’ll never achieve X if you don’t get out of your comfort zone and try it. You already know that you can accomplish a great many things. Look back at your life for proof!

If you’re ready to start challenging your comfort zone – then it’s time for you to join the program Let’s Get Visible! 

With love,

P.S. – So make a plan today to learn how to do X, and then get started. You are much more adept than you think.