Dear Ms Anonymous,
Have you been engaging in self-care through self-love? On Valentine’s Day I challenged you to commit to loving yourself first. Did you do it? Do you have a hard time putting yourself first before everyone else in your life?
I just finished listening to Jay Shetty and Jada Pinkett Smith’s podcast episode on How to Heal Your Past. Jada talks about how overcoming adversity in her past helps her commit to self-love, and how it has transformed every aspect of her life.
During this interview, I found myself nodding my head, and agreeing with a lot about what Jada had to say about self-love in relationships. It is so important to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else.
Defining self-love
Over the past month, I’ve struggled with finding a perfect definition of self-love. I didn’t want it to be that easy deconstruction: “loving yourself.” That can not be the entirety of what self-love means!
Jada put it perfectly into words for me:
Self-love is the courage to look at ourselves… look at our patterns, be honest… and then have the courage to make the changes that reflect a more loving embrace of ourselves.
Jada Pinkett Smith, ON Purpose with Jay Shetty
… requires courage
Remember my new word for 2020, courageous? Yes, we need courage in order to examine who we are, what we want, and how we want to show up in our relationships. When we do the deep internal work to figure all of that out, we show ourselves love. Especially when we change habits that no longer serve us. Or we speak our truth, instead of holding everything in, pretending to be fine.
On Valentine’s Day I found myself in an act of courage. Sometimes in my relationships, I don’t speak my mind. Ladies, I know I can’t be the only one who does this. Whether it be with our partners, our friends, or our families. I’m working on changing that narrative for myself.
We get scared to speak our truth because we don’t want to hurt anybody. But you know who we often end up hurting? Ourselves.
If we can’t muster up the courage to say what’s on our hearts, then we are not being good partners, friends or family members. And most importantly, we are not being good to ourselves.
… demands honesty
On that particular day, I had to tell my husband that I felt hurt because he didn’t meet an expectation that I had. In an attempt to be honest (another one of my #2020me words), I had to be vulnerable enough to risk hurting his feelings, in order to speak my truth.
Because in romantic relationships, if we can’t be open and honest with each other, then what’s the point? If we hold on to everything that hurts us, then there’s no room for repair.
What I learned through my honesty was that my husband now had the opportunity to be open as well. In a moment where he had to choose between fight or flight, the best choice was fight. And by fight I mean, fight for our relationship. Because after 10 years of being committed to each other, we can no longer allow our hatred of hard conversations to be the determining factor in our relationship.
…and chooses change
When we finally got down to the bottom of the issue, I realized a few things. Even after 10 years we still have insecurities that we are trying to work through. And when we need to have hard conversations, we first must figure out what assumptions we are bringing to the table. Then we can work on navigating past them.
The most important thing we learned is that we both need to show ourselves more love, in order to truly support and love each other. For me, it’s learning not to say no to every offer. By saying no, I close myself off to new possibilities, exciting opportunities, and growing with my husband.
In order to grow into the person I am becoming, I need to break free of the patterns that I have been stuck in for way too long. Nobody likes to focus on the ugly things about themselves. And we forget that pain is the hard part of the journey that we need to go through in order to get to the blessings.
So, really the question that I have to start examining about myself is “why do I do that?” It’s a question that applies to every aspect of my life. And I realize now that the root of the issue is my past, my upbringing, what I learned as a child.
But I have the power as an adult to change the way I see myself, and the way I see the world around me. I can choose self-love, as well as romantic love. It should be AND, instead of or. I should be FIRST, instead of last. And I shouldn’t expect that someone will get me something, when I say no to every offer that is extended.
Embracing self-love in our relationships
Jay and Jada end the interview by talking about how real, truthful conversations have changed her life. When I heard this, I thought about one of my goals for 2020, which is to have more meaningful conversations. And that’s what Dear Ms Anonymous is. It’s me, having a conversation with you. Sharing everything from my excitement about life to my deepest dark places. By doing this, I’m opening myself up to healing the things that are hurting. Through that process, I can begin to love myself even deeper.
I urge you to start having more meaningful conversations in your relationships. They will help you uncover the things that you need to work on to become your true self. And they will show you what words or actions you need to embrace in order to love yourself.
As we continue to work on ourselves, our romantic partners may become inspired to do the same. In our hard conversation on Valentine’s Day, I told Chris that I wanted us to continue to grow together. That means, sharing our difficulties, as well as our successes. Learning how to be better to ourselves, and to each other. Showing up in every aspect of our lives, instead of running away when things get hard.
Starting right now, if we can seek courage, honesty and change in our relationships, then we will be embracing self-love, and growing true love at the same time.
With love,
P.S. – What important conversation have you been wanting to have with your partner that you are too scared to initiate? Promise me this week that you’ll sit down and at least start the conversation. You’ll be surprised what comes out once you get started. Remember, you’re on the same team. Lead with love.