She wakes up from her dreams with the same mixture of anxiety and dread these days. What had she done?
It had taken every fiber of her being to push send on that application. Yeah, she had been dancing for 10 years. But not professionally or anything. More just for fun. A pastime she picked up during college to keep the weight off. She was surprisingly good at it.
Her parents didn’t have the money to put her in dance classes growing up. She understood that. So she spent her time reading old books from the library. She didn’t feel particularly coordinated anyway as a child. Her family teased her, saying that she looked like a baby giraffe that hadn’t quite found it’s stride yet.
But now, as an adult she was graceful and moved effortlessly to the beat and rhythm of any type of music. Most people only enjoyed the thumping beats of hip-hop, or the syncopation of salsa, or the graceful sway of ballet.
But for her, she saw music as a universal language. One that she could interpret through movement. It was a gift that was more of a secret than anything. It’s not like anyone had watched her dance before. Dance classes didn’t exactly have performances. Or so she thought. Turns out she was wrong.
Someone in her class had been watching her. The instructor. She saw the potential for more. And when that opportunity to audition for a spot in a traveling dance troupe came up, she was called over after class.
The instructor foolishly thought she was the kind of girl that did brave things and stepped out of her comfort zone. Nope, that wasn’t her.
She never saw herself as a dancer. She worked at an admin job. Behind the scenes, that’s where she belonged. Not in the spotlight where all eyes would be on her. Just the thought of that made her cringe. What had she done?
The audition was still a week away. Perhaps she could remove her name from the ring. If she just didn’t show up, what would be the loss? She couldn’t just not show up though. That wasn’t her style. She liked honesty and order.
It had already taken every ounce of courage she had to hit the send button. Surely she could show up to the audition and do her best. What had she to lose? It’s not like she would ever be chosen. Her 10 years of once per week dance classes didn’t make her any kind of expert. She danced for fun. And happened to be good at it.
She would have to coach herself the next week mentally to be able to get on that stage. In swept the anxiety and dread again. The imposter syndrome came in fast and furious. Who are you anyway to think you will get accepted and fill one of the 2 spots available? No one she replied. I doubt I’ll get in, she told herself.
What if you fall flat on your face during a pirouette, the imposter laughed. Wow, then I’ll really be humiliated, she cried. She shrank back into herself.
The pep talk would have to wait until later. Right now all she could see were visions of people pointing and laughing.
It was going to be another one of those days. A day spent quietly contemplating if she would ever take a risk in her life. She played it safe every single day. Watching as other people spoke up and shared their stories during lunch. And throw their hats in the ring for promotions that she clearly would be the best fit for. But time after time she talked herself out of saying “hey, pick me!” because she was afraid of stepping forward and being seen. Being seen meant that you had to speak up for yourself. She barely knew the sound of her own voice, she hadn’t heard it in so long.
And not in terms of speaking to others. She spoke to people every day. In terms of self-expression. No one knew what was truly important to her. The only time she left her heart on the stage was when she was dancing. So, what are you a dancer now? The imposter’s voice crept in again. No, she screamed. Forcing the voice to stop.
She was constantly reminding herself of all the things she was not. But then, what was she? That was a question for another day. It would take way too long to figure out the answer, and she was already late getting ready for work.
She hurried through her morning routine. Threw on black slacks, a pair of running shoes, a sweater, and her red baseball cap. It was raining out, and walking into the office with her hair looking like a drowned rat wasn’t the look she was going for.
And besides she could continue to hide in the shadows behind that hat. No one recognized her. Her face was hidden from the world. The way she preferred it.
The days leading up to the audition went slow, quick, quick, slow. The familiar pace of a foxtrot. What on Earth would the audition be like? What kind of routines would she have to learn or showcase? Who else would be there auditioning alongside her? Probably someone with way more experience. Someone who started dancing when they were 2. Instead of when they were 20.
She really had to increase her self-confidence over the next day or so. The audition was just around the corner. Literally, around the corner from where she lived. What if her neighbors were auditioning? Then they would know if she didn’t get chosen.
She had hit the send button thinking the audition would be in a studio uptown. She hardly ever went uptown. No one knew her uptown. Uptown was safe. Around the corner, her own neighborhood, now that was scary.
She desperately needed to work on her mindset. Everything was jumbled up there. How could she go through life filled with doubts? It was getting exhausting.
And honestly, she was getting tired of being an I can’t person. She wondered what her life would be like if she started saying I can. Who would she be? A dancer, she thought. Why not?
The doubts started to tumble into her head again and she pushed them away with a hard stop. She had to stop allowing the negative thoughts to control her life. It was time she took the reigns.
Speaking of time, she remembered that today was Thursday. And Thursday nights she had dance class. The perfect distraction from her thoughts.
When she danced she didn’t have any thoughts. The moves flowed through her. Graceful. That’s who she became during that hour. The easiest hour of her week. And unfortunately, the fastest. The 60 minutes where she fully enjoyed herself, was also the 60 minutes that flew by every single week.
Imagine dancing professionally for a living? Getting paid to do what she thought of as fun, and effortless. That sounded way better than the soul sucking admin job she had been in for the past 3 years.
She wasn’t fulfilled. She needed a paycheck and something to fill her days and her resume. And that job met all of that criteria. She was good at it, too. But even a trained monkey could push paper around the desk from left to right each day. Yeah, she did more than just that. But that’s what it felt like.
She didn’t see herself doing the same job for the next 5-10 years. There had to be more out there. And that’s why she had pushed the send button on the application. Finally, she saw a way out. One that she had never dared to dream before. Until now.
The possibility was exciting, even if she was scared. The only thing scarier than showing up for this audition was sitting at the same desk 5 years from now. Wishing that her life was different. Wishing she had the courage to apply to do things that made her heart happy. And saying yes to opportunities when they came around. And here it was. Her opportunity had come.
It was the day she would finally take the stage. She wasn’t prepared. There was no way she could be. The moves weren’t revealed yet.
Isn’t that the scariest part of life?
Not knowing what’s up ahead…
All she could do was stand up, and take her turn. She was as ready as she would ever be…