Dear Ms Anonymous,
Do you remember when you were single how you took care of yourself? And then once you became part of a relationship, you started to neglect your self-care. Why do we do this?
Your relationship with yourself is important
Often, when we begin a relationship, we start to believe that what matters the most is our newfound “coupleness”. We think we have to do everything together. Everywhere the other person goes, we want to be also. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes that feels great! Especially at the beginning of a new relationship, being together is a big part of how we learn about each other.
But when did we decide that we no longer needed time to ourselves? At what point did we start to feel like our individual self no longer needed attention and care? By the time we finally realize that we have gotten to that point, often we don’t even recognize ourselves any more.
You complete yourself
A relationship is made up of two people. Two unique individuals who have come together and decided that they want to do this thing called life together. Not carbon copies of the same person.
Two people, with separate interests, passions, likes, and dislikes. Their relationship is built on mutual understanding – they know what they want, you know what you want. You can both want to have a happy, healthy, loving relationship with each other, and I hope that you do! But, it starts with having a happy, healthy, loving relationship with yourself!
When you’ve been in a committed relationship for 10 years, like I have, you start to learn that you have to take care of yourself, instead of always wanting the other person to do that for you. I know, it took me a long time to learn that you cannot hang your hopes, dreams, fears, and life on whether or not the other person will fulfill those things for you. Fulfillment starts from within.
So even though I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to do things alone, I have to find things that I enjoy that are just for me, like Zumba, listening to podcasts and writing this blog. I love spending time with my husband, but I had to learn to enjoy my own company as well.
The goal is to feel whole whether you are in a relationship, or not. You complete yourself. There is no other person in the world that can do that.
Get to know your own voice
I grew up in a noisy household. There was never a day when I wasn’t bumping into another person everywhere I turned. There was no “me” time. Me time was on the public bus to or from school, with 60 other New Yorkers commuting to wherever they were headed. Me time was the 5 minutes I had in the bathroom before someone pounded on the door wanting to get in there.
It wasn’t until I moved into my own house that I could finally hear the sound of my own voice. And it scared the hell out of me. I never had quiet before. I didn’t know how to be alone. Honestly, I still wasn’t alone, but I was glad to only be sharing my space with only 1 other person, instead of 5-10 people at any given time. I love my big, crazy family. But man, did I need the quiet so I could discover myself.
I learned that some Saturday mornings I want to turn on some soca music and scrub my counters, while burning some calories. Or how nice it is just to lay under my couch blankets, with a cup of tea, a good romance novel, and no interruptions.
Finding time for self-care
My husband, Chris, and I have pretty much always been on opposite schedules. After we had just moved to North Carolina, I really didn’t know how to fill my time when he wasn’t available to hang out with me.
On Saturday mornings when Chris wanted to sleep in (and he still does most weekends), that was my self-care time. I could get up early and hit all the stores that I knew he wouldn’t enjoy spending the morning in. That way, he could get his rest, which I know is an important part of his self-care. And I could get my window (or actual) shopping done, which happens to be a big part of mine. Saturday mornings, that’s my me time.
You do not have to stop indulging in your guilty pleasures, or whatever you consider to be self-care, just because you are in a relationship. Your partner should delight in knowing that you are having fun, doing what makes you happy.
Carve out pockets of time that are just for you. If that’s going out with your girlfriends, or your mom, then put it on the calendar. Maybe your partner can go out and do his/her own thing at the same time. When you come back together, you’ll have fun stories to share, and that will make your relationship so much richer.
If your relationship suffers from codependency (which they all do at some point or another) go listen to this Rise Together podcast episode Working Through Codependence… Together! Rachel and Dave Hollis get into the nitty gritty of the codependence they experience in their relationship. They talk about how they deal with it while raising a family, and running a business, together.
Divide and conquer in your relationship
Do you know what one of the biggest bonuses is about being in a relationship? You no longer have to do everything by yourself! I mean, household chores, shopping, getting the kids ready, paying for stuff. The list goes on and on.
When we divide and conquer in our relationship, we free up more time for self-care. If we share the responsibilities of life with someone else, then we don’t always have to feel like the burdens are always on our shoulders. This is not just for married couple situations. The benefits apply to roommates in the same way. Divvy up the chores, or rotate them around, and see how much more personal time you have.
When we can trust our partner to hold up their end of the bargain in our relationship, we free up time to take care of ourselves. For example, if your spouse says that on Saturday mornings he will make breakfast for the family, that frees you up to enjoy a leisurely cup of coffee while reading your favorite book. In exchange you might take the kids out to the park, while he goes to shoot some hoops at the gym.
If we can find more ways to give and take, our relationships will be filled with love, and our lives filled with self-care.
Allow each person their time
If you’ve ever been in a relationship, then you know the words resentment and guilt can easily creep in and make themselves at home. That’s because we allow them to. We let our egos get in the way of the love. We start to feel like he’s not helping out enough. Or she’s always complaining that she never has time for herself.
I made a decision a long time ago that I would not allow resentment to take root in my life. When I do things, I try (95% of the time) to do them out of love. It’s not because I want something in return. I work hard, because I want to, not necessarily because I always have to. But I also allow myself to take a break, and rejuvenate. Because I deserve that from myself, not from anyone else.
If your partner offers to do something for you, out of the goodness of his/her heart, not expecting anything in return, then say yes. Allow the person to do it. Don’t micromanage it, or criticize it. Just enjoy the fact that you don’t have to take care of it, and instead, use the time to do something for yourself.
And when your partner is practicing their own self-care, don’t get angry that they aren’t working as hard as you are. Allow them to enjoy their time.
Make a pact with your partner today that self-care is just as important as getting stuff accomplished. Set out some self-care time for both of you, and hard-work time. Divide up the responsibilities, so no one feels burdened. Then decide how you would each like to rejuvenate, so everyone feels taken care of.
A relationship with true love requires self-care
Whether you’ve been in a relationship for 6 months, 6 years, or 60 years, you need to remember that the more you focus on yourself in a healthy way, the more your relationship with flourish. I’m not saying to adopt an all about me philosophy. Instead, I’m encouraging you to pursue self-care as not only a part of self-love, but of true love. Because when your partner truly loves you, they will want your full self to be taken care of, too.
With love,
P.S. – When your partner sees how you care for yourself, you teach them how you want to be cared for. That’s a win-win in my book!