Dear Ms Anonymous,
Have you ever stopped to think about the relationship between self-care and happiness? Look back at the times when you felt truly happy, do you notice a connection to how you took care of yourself during those times?
The vocational connection
I just realized that when we think about self-care, we really don’t consider that what we do for work has any connection with it. But in fact, there are so many people that are unhappy in their career. I’ve been there. Perhaps you are there right now!? It’s real.
When we engage in work that we are excited about, passionate about, and truly enjoy doing, we are taking care of ourselves. The problem is that so many of us just need to work to pay our bills. So, we find a job that is related to what degrees we hold, or even whatever we can find when times get rough! As time goes by we start feeling less satisfaction in our work, less challenged and motivated. We begin to feel stuck, and like we are dying inside.
Finding a sense of purpose
Years after college I went back to get a Master’s Degree. It’s in nonprofit management. I have always found meaning in organizations that work to better our society, especially ones that deal with youth development. After all, the youth are the future.
I always thought that I would go in search of a job at a nonprofit, to put that degree to work. If I could do that, then I would be living up to my purpose. But, I never did find a full-time job in the nonprofit sector. At least not one that would pay me as much as I make in the legal field. Does that mean that I’m not living up to my purpose? No.
You can establish a connection between your job and your purpose. But, you don’t have to! If you consider what kind of contribution you would like to make in the world, you can find ways to do that outside of a traditional 9-5 setting!
Engage in activities that mean something to you
Your gifts and talents will work in all settings. You can find ways to put them to use at your “day job” or in a volunteer setting. Spending just an hour a month doing a volunteer activity can increase your happiness and help you feel healthier.
I know, you’re already spending all of your time in service of your spouse or kids. You don’t have a single minute to devote to anyone else. But what if you had someplace that you knew needed a particular skill that you had, or that you could make a difference in the life of someone you don’t know, wouldn’t you feel a greater sense of purpose? And then wouldn’t that hour be worth it?
Right now there are thousands of volunteer opportunities in your community. You can establish a connection to your purpose by scheduling to give a small amount of time to an organization that could use your help. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t find joy in giving back to their community.
Seek opportunities for professional growth
If you are not feeling satisfaction in your career, you may decide that it’s time for something else. I fully support that. Change is how we grow.
We also grow by finding ways to better ourselves in our current situations. A career move may not be the right choice for you at this stage in life because of perhaps financial or familial obligations.
What you can do is find opportunities for professional growth in your current career. Think about what you know about your current job, and what you can learn to make it better, more interesting, or so that you can have a greater impact on your work.
Set some goals to figuring out what skills you need to learn or resources you need to find. Talk to your supervisor about what projects are available and what skill set you need to be able to get involved. Sign up for a continuing education course through your local community college. You can even find courses online that you can take at lunch or at home.
There are so many other ways that you can gain valuable experience. Start volunteering at a nonprofit organization, your child’s school, or even your church. Shadow someone who has a job that you are interested in so you can decide if you want to make a career move. Take a position on a board of directors to learn how to become a more efficient manager. If you’re interested in a job that requires public speaking, join Toastmasters. The ways to gain experience are endless. They just require some effort on your part!
Make a spiritual connection
Not everyone believes in the connection between ourselves and a higher spiritual being. As children we often just go with what our parents teach us. As we grow and mature, we start to figure out for ourselves if this connection truly exists. The range is quite wide between those who are firm believers, those who are non-believers, and those who just aren’t sure what they believe.
But even if you don’t believe in a specific God, you may still have faith in a higher power. It’s how we make sense of what we go through, especially when we are in a sad or difficult place in life. We may seek guidance from above. We may ask for alignment with our purpose so we can feel happier in our daily lives.
Hearing your own voice among all the others
In our on-the-go society, when do we ever sit still enough to hear our own voices? I guess when we are asleep. But even then, we are not.
Meditation is not a practice that we can all get into. Although we understand the value in it, we find it very hard to quiet our minds long enough to reap the benefits. What if we spent 5 minutes every day just practicing quieting our minds?
About a year ago I downloaded an app for my mother-in-law called Calm. There are quick and easy guided meditations that you can do to in the morning when you wake up, before you go to bed, or even quickly during your work day to bring you a little bit of peace. Download it today, it might be just what you need in your life.
We need to learn to quiet our racing thoughts, and the on-going to-do lists that clutter our mental fields, in order to find a little bit of calm in our day. Once we can do that, then we can reconnect with ourselves. We can start to think about who we are, and what matters to us.
Finding your tribe
The concept of a tribe is one that I first heard about from Rachel Hollis. Of course I had understood the value of connection with people who share the same values as me, or even beliefs. But I didn’t think of those people as my tribe.
We build tribes in our lives to help us through the every day. Your girlfriends at work, they are your tribe. The church small-group that you are involved with, that’s your tribe. The meet-up group that you go hiking with, that’s also your tribe.
Beyond the mind-body connection
I’m not just talking about the literal mind-body connection here. Do you realize that your relationships with others, and yourself, are just as important to self-care, as what you feed your body?
Creating meaningful connection with the people in our lives through shared experiences is a great way to relieve stress, and take care of ourselves. Think about when you meet up with your girlfriends for dinner or drinks, or when you can grab coffee on a play date with your mom group. Those are connections that make you happy. And you need to find more ways to build those events into your schedule.
Just as important as making time for the people in your life who matter to you, sometimes it’s crucial to temporarily step away from those who don’t support your happiness. There are some people in our lives who drain us emotionally. We need to start saying no to their negativity and not allowing it to enter our spirits.
For me, often social media is something that I need to take a break from. I love seeing what my “friends” are up to, but it secretly (or not so secretly) makes me jealous, or envious, or unhappy with my own life. So, in order to take care of myself, I have to remove that connection for little bits of time.
I find that when I control what I’m seeing on my phone, who I’m intentionally spending time with, what I’m listening to (music/podcasts), that’s when I can focus on my own happiness. When I fill up on media content that is positive, my thoughts and feelings become more positive. And when my mind is filled with positive thoughts, I feel more energized and ready to share my gifts/talents with the world.
So, how are you going to create a meaningful connection to happiness?
Creating a meaningful connection to happiness is sure to increase your wellness, self-esteem and self-confidence if you dedicate the time to it. You can find happiness right where you are if you choose to bloom where you are planted.
And if there aren’t any opportunities to bloom, you have a choice. Are you going to wallow in the negativity of what you are experiencing or make a positive change towards personal growth? In what ways can you create joy and fulfillment through your work? Can you locate a volunteer activity that makes you light up?
Remember that even though you are seeking happiness through connection and purpose, you still need time to rest and rejuvenate. Decide today how you will take some time to recharge. Book a vacation. Plan a weekend getaway. Schedule some “me” time – even if you have to trade off chores or childcare with your spouse. “Me” time is important to your self-care. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Your self deserves a break. You owe it to her.
With love,
P.S. – I know a lot of you may have trouble scheduling “me” time. But it is so important. If you have kids, ask the grandparents if they take them for an overnight. And then don’t schedule so many chores that you are too exhausted to do something for yourself. Write down what “me” time you are going to enjoy first, before you do a single chore. Book a massage. Make yourself a cup of tea, turn your phone on silent, and read a book. Need a nap? – go ahead, lie down in bed. You’re probably so exhausted, you’ll be asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow. Don’t feel guilty – just do it.