Dear Ms Anonymous,
In doing research on self-care, I found so many articles that called self-care selfish. Why is it that we call taking care of ourselves selfish? How has the guilt of saying no become so heavy that we have chosen to take care of other people’s needs before our own?
It’s Not Selfish to Say No
In my Valentine’s Day post, I explained that we must first fill ourselves up before we can pour into other people. It took me a long time to really hammer this into my brain and start to believe it.
You see, I’m the type of person that will give, and give, and give to others first. And then, whatever energy I have left over, that’s what I will use on myself. Whatever I have, if you need it – it’s yours.
I have an extremely difficult time saying no to people. Yes, I’m a people-pleaser. But what I learned is that being that way often gets me nowhere. I would rather someone like me, instead of hate me. Well, who wouldn’t?
If you feel like you are constantly running on empty, and would like to make some changes in your life, then join me on the Journey to Self-Discovery! Where you get to spend time creating the life that you want, rediscovering yourself and your passions. It’s time you said yes to yourself, instead of everyone else.
What happens when you say no?
Why is it that we feel guilty when we say no to someone’s request for our time, energy, resources? Even when we are considering the request, we feel like it’s not okay to say no. We panic that someone is going to think less of us, or not be our friend any more, or not love us any more because we say no to them. It’s not a healthy way to live!
Last year for my birthday, my husband surprised me with the book Girl, Stop Apologizing! It was my first real introduction to Rachel Hollis. Well, besides her Amazon documentary “Made For More.” If you haven’t seen it, and you have Amazon Prime, what are you waiting for? If you need motivation to achieve your life’s goals, go watch it right now. I’m serious, it changed my life. If you haven’t read the book – pick it up today!
Stop caring about other people’s opinions
One of Rachel’s little nuggets of inspiration that I learned from her book is this:
“Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business.”
Rachel Hollis
I have always looked for approval from someone – my parents, friends, co-workers, Facebook likes, the list goes on and on. And you know where that gets me every time? Frustrated. Feeling rejected. Feeling like I’m not enough.
When I stopped seeking other people’s approval of who I am, or what I’m doing, everything started to shift.
First, I no longer had the guilt about how I spent my time. Before, I would fret about what someone would say if they came over on a Saturday and my house was a mess. Now, if I want to lay on the couch and binge watch TV on a Saturday, I do that. It is my choice. The way I see it is the only person who has to deal with the fallout from that lazy day is myself!
What I realized is that there’s a trade off. I could watch TV for 5 hours (in a row) and my house remains in its messy state. Or I could spend time doing some work around my house, and reward myself with some TV time. But the choice is mine to make.
There’s no one that I should let make me feel guilty about my choice. Not even myself. Sometimes, you just need to put away the to-do list and get some rest. That’s self-care. It’s not selfish.
Let go of obligations
Back when we were children, we had no obligations. Now we constantly have someone adding to our schedules. We have our jobs, spouses, friends, children, parents, church, community organizations, etc. Everyone wants to sign us up, or wants us to sign up, for something. And we don’t say no!
Why not?!
Our time is ours to choose what we want to fill it with. Of course there are some things that we need to do – like shower, eat, and work. But what about all of those other obligations that find their way into our lives?
Not only do we already have a full enough day with getting meals prepared, working, transporting little people everywhere and back. We fill our schedules with soccer practice, church bake sales, and hosting gatherings at our homes. Half of those things we don’t even want to do, but we feel like we have to. We tell ourselves we can’t say no, because that would be selfish.
What would really be selfish is if we spent all of our time doing things for other people, and depleting all of our energy in the process. What if we decided that we would say no to things sometimes, and let that be okay?
Listen, the world would continue to turn. The church would find someone else to bake the cookies. Another person would volunteer to coach the soccer team. And you would have more time to do what you want to do, or need to do.
Say no to others so you can say yes to yourself
We are not obligated to say yes to every person who commands our help. But we can say yes if it’s something that we are passionate about. We can choose to help if we have the energy and time to happily devote. But first, we must fill ourselves up.
Set boundaries
I feel like I just said a dirty word – “boundaries”. It’s because we put such a negative connotation on setting limits in our lives for ourselves and for others. Here’s the truth – we need boundaries in order to exist in the world with other people.
There are people who drain you – physically, emotionally and mentally. What happens if you don’t set boundaries with those people? You start to hate life. The more you are around those types of people, the more negative you become.
You have to say no to constantly being around people who deplete your resources. When I say resources, I’m talking about all areas of your life – your energy, happiness, finances, time. You have to say, I can’t, right now I need to take care of myself. No apologies necessary, just your truth.
You are in charge of your own life. You get to determine who you will spend your time with, what you will spend your time doing, and how you will take care of yourself. Sometimes, saying no to someone else, just means you are saying yes to yourself.
Show up for yourself first
When we think about the term “show up” our minds first go to a commitment to someone else. We must show up for our kids practice after school, otherwise they will think we don’t care. Our bosses require us to show up for work, or we won’t get paid. We feel the need to show up to our friend’s party (even though we don’t want to go, and would rather catch up on sleep), or they will feel like we’re neglecting them.
What about showing up for ourselves?
Do we honor the commitments we make to care for ourselves, like we do the ones we make to others?
When you decide that it’s important to take some time for self-care, decide that you will not consider yourself selfish. We do not always have to sacrifice ourselves. Making time for ourselves is important. Because when we live our lives with resentment, obligation, and over commitment, we are constantly depleting ourselves for other people, at our own expense.
Decide today that your self-care is a priority to you for the rest of your life. You cannot give, if you have nothing left to give. Fill yourself up first in order to show up in the lives of everyone else. When you give out of your abundance, the rest of the world will return the favor.
With love,
P.S. – Remember, “no” is a complete sentence. Start saying it and take back your life.